HOOK

6 am. i fall asleep

10 am.i need to go.the usual i suppose. meet u somewhere.not talk .just sit.our heads heavily swriling with things we will never tell each other.
i will take a shower like i always do.smell like i always do.get sick with myslef like i always do.

if its a good day we will drink rum ..smoke weed...meet a few friends that we have...get wasted..and realize...we are actually happy...hahahaha....

4pm. i hate the silence my father subjects me too. i hate it. i make so fucking heavy.so i do what i always do ...i sleep.
i wish on tv.an my mind does become tv..it plays and reels. and i wake up sweating and stinking...wish u could have seen what i saw..but u are not interested anymore...

3am. i call you...in the dark...whispering...we talk for hours...my phone bill reeling...i cry on this side...but u dont know....and we know ..nothing u say to me will make anything better..nothing u say will change what is about to happen...we talk shit...laugh a little...but we know.


i want to scream....i want it to come out from me..from me... i want it to be mine....everyone who fucking thought otherwise get to hear....a scream coming from my body

what do you want now?

her figure remains disfigured. hunched over ,bent. in company of strangers, reality takes a backseat, and we are back to being numb again. its like a freaking disease that creeps up from behind when you are not looking. just to scare you, cheap thrills. no matter how many times you say, you will become yourself again.

i find myself in cars with people, in strange random places.
anything worth a little seclusion we can find in this city, we trail it. all we do is smoke pot. i get tired, so tired. the heat the oppressive heat. all my days are blurred and everytime i wake p i am reeling from yet another nightmare. its like a cycle.
i am not happy right now.

RESULT:FAIL

everybody is out
everybody is moving on
everybody got in
and as usual i am left behind
stuck
unable to move.





hello boarding school.

click

something clicks in my head and i want to get rid of everthing. everthng poses to be a burden .
stress and embarassment. i simply cant change .




what a bummer

tsk tsk

it might seem my mind is a waste .to other people that is.but the fact is i am happy.i am sooo fucking happy its crazy.
dont complain to me.
i dont fucking care. dont tell me how much you love your girlfriend and how amazing she is and how much potential she has and how great of a mind she has.
I DONT CARE.

IT IS NOT MY LIFE.
i am happy with my television . i am happy letting my skin rot in bed . i am happy that a paralytic vegetable and i are the same. dont bother really.
please live your lives and fuck each other and be happy . frolic in gardens blissfully. smile and giggle and be human.
i am sorry but it is tooo tedious for me. expose your glorious talents and let people love and adore you. let them drool over you . satisfy your needs. SATISFY THEM.

SATISFACTION.
i am soo happy
IT IS
in fact crazy.

empty cavities

come skipped generations
and let them
compare growth
when dreams fill with fallen teeth and negligence and lonesome deaths
and i ignore them, torture them
i hate them i hate them i hate them
but they love me
quavering fallen lips ask for me
they beg for me
but i humiliate and i crush
damage done beyond repair
there are no returns marked on his pair
glorious pasts.. danger and glory
exotic stories
nothing nothing nothing
no love exists in my country
no no no
no youthful bliss exists
no
i am old i am old i am old
i have been picked over i have lost
i am done
but
you can be happy i allow you to be
go ahead be happy
love, i free you
its only the venom that makes you paralytic
and its curable curable curable
run amok in youthful frantic glory
and i will protect you from all the dropping bloody hearts
they all happen to be mine
they will burn your skin
they will push holes through the earth
they will not help you survive
they are bitter to taste and hard to cook
run from them run as hard and as fast
but don't despise them
of late nothing good has come
a man once said to me
honey i am sorry to say
but their will be no grand orchestral music
life is dry and you will die craving
darling there is nothing to win here
there is nothing to fight
it is not this town
that makes you miserable
how silly you are to stand alone
its not bravery
child its foolishness
its fatal
it breeds questions
have i been here too long?
love,you are too late
you are already burned
your not innocent anymore!

to call my own.....

christmas eve. and i got my best christmas present. because it meant something. midnight's children by salman rushdie and yes i have already read it but it also came with this written inside
"to call your own".